Assassin

Every now and again, people ought to be made to watch a film like this, just to recalibrate their sensitivities when watching other, better, decent films. Everyone's favourite diamond geezer Danny Dyer is ruthless motor-cycle hitman "Jamie" who carries out a hit on behalf of the brothers from Spandau Ballet. Snag is, the man he bumps off has a daughter "Chloe" (Holly Weston) for whom he falls. The Kemps need him to top her too, but he fakes that crime and when they find out, are not best pleased - more hits are ordered and even the seagulls might not be safe! It's tosh from start to finish, this - the acting - especially from Gary Kemp as the menacing kingpin in a Prada cardigan - is almost as woeful as the writing, such as that is. The earlier ending (I think there are at least two) needs to be watched - it's actually quite funny and it all led me to swear never to criticise another Jason Statham or Nicolas Cage film again...